


Star Fire

by djesusgetnaked



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Borderline, Developing Relationship, Drugs, F/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Smut, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-16 01:51:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15426429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/djesusgetnaked/pseuds/djesusgetnaked
Summary: It was common knowledge that people had either the first name of their soulmate somewhere on their body or a clock, which kept running down until they met their other half.It shouldn’t have been different for Rafael, but he was different, an exception from others.Rafael Barba had a first name and a clock on his skin. It didn’t make any sense for him or for anyone. It seemed that he was really the only one in this situation. And nobody could tell him why he was that way.In the end it didn’t change anything. He assumed he would meet this “Lou” when his clock would mark a perfect zero.He would tell himself he didn’t believe in this soulmate nonsense, his work life was more important to him. Even so the truth was that it was terribly curious.





	1. Chapter 1

_Here comes that electric spark in your eyes._   
_Turning me into flames._   
_All these explosions go off in the night._   
_Don’t let them fade away._   
_I’m under attack._   
_There’s no turning back._   
_Lighting me up you’re the weapon of desire._   
_Burn like a starfire._

_  
_ It had always troubled him.

It was common knowledge that people had either the first name of their soulmate somewhere on their body or a clock, which kept running down until they met their other half.

It shouldn’t have been different for Rafael, because he wasn’t different from any other person. Even if sometimes he felt bit out of place, like being a small, sickly and clever boy living in the Bronx. Or being a Cuban who lived in the Bronx and went to Harvard to become a great lawyer. But it was normal, right? Everyone in their life feels different from time to time. It was no big deal.

Or he thought so, trying desperately to persuade himself. Because of the fact that he was different, an exception from others.

Rafael Barba had a first name and a clock on his skin. It didn’t make any sense for him or for anyone. During over 35 years, he tried to find someone else who had both too, but it seemed that he was really the only one in this situation. And nobody could tell him why he was that way.

In the end it didn’t change anything. He assumed he would meet this “Lou” when his clock would mark a perfect zero. But he always had been a thinker and he just wanted to know why he was the only one of his kind.

With time he simply accepted to drop the subject because he wasn’t going anywhere with it. He hardly thought about it now, forced himself not to. But sometimes as he rolled up his sleeves, his attention was drawn to his marked wrist. He would tell himself he didn’t believe in this soulmate nonsense, his work life was more important to him. Even so the truth was that it was terribly curious.

* * *

 

A glass of scotch in front of him, he couldn’t help but smile while Liv was gabbling about this new agent in training that her squad would have to work with, for an entire year, beginning next Monday. She couldn’t decide her mind. In one hand she was satisfied to have one more police officer to work for her, because they had been short staffed for months. On the other hand she wanted an experienced detective, not someone they would have to explain all the complexities of the job.

“Oh come on. You’re overthinking this.”

She stared at him, which only made his smirk bigger. Both of them had the bad habit of overanalyzing everything. It was part of their jobs and unfortunately it had become an occupational hazard.

“Liv, the thing is you don’t really have a choice. You’ve been complaining for weeks because you don’t have enough staff. And NYPD wants to train future new detectives. It’s not a bad thing, actually. When they graduate, they’ll already have field experiences. You’ll just have to make the best out of it.”

It seemed that his words made her think for a few seconds before she sighed. She knew he was right. She finished her glass of wine and Rafael ordered another round with two fingers waving in the air. Seeing the usual gesture the bartender nodded knowingly.

“Beside it’s always a pleasure to meet a new recruit in your elite squad.”

The smirk on his face was anything but helpful. He was her friend but right now she wasn’t sure if she could trust him to be a real moral support. The ADA was known to be a smart ass and she had no doubt he wouldn’t hesitate to make sassy comments on her misfortune.

“Well, that’s not what you said about Carisi.”

Suddenly his arrogant smile disappeared. He couldn’t deny that Carisi was a brilliant detective. But his obsession to impress him with law observations tended to exhaust him. When she gauged his reaction she burst out laugh.

* * *

 

Obviously she was nervous. She wasn’t shy at all, on the contrary she was one that other people would naturally notice and remember. Some would say she was kind of charismatic, with her big smile and her spontaneous confidence. But as she was walking in the precinct, she felt very little and wanted to disappear somewhere else as much as she wanted to start ardently working with the SVU. She knew herself. She was clever and she totally could make the best first impression. But she was also very human and could become the most awkward person in the entire world when she was much too too self-conscious. The problem was that she never knew which one it was going to be. She took a deep breath and walked in, praying for her friendly personality to save her in tight situation one more time.

Fortunately for her, the entire squad seemed quite friendly. All of them had a strong bond, which was only understandable as they worked together every day and had a very emotional job. But they made an effort for her to feel comfortable around them quickly.

Only Olivia Benson seemed to be a bit more distant with her. She couldn’t blame the older woman. She knew she was undeniably younger than them. She had no doubt as she was still in training she had been imposed to the squad. And as a Lieutenant she only wanted what was best for her team. Besides she didn’t feel any bitterness from a new boss and was grateful for a healthy work atmosphere.

“Don’t worry doll, I’ve got your back.”

She frowned, mostly because she was startled and amused. Who still called people “doll” these days? She wasn’t sure if it was still a common thing, but she surprised herself to think that it suited him. Sonny was a radiant human being. He never stopped smiling at her since she introduced herself and tried hard to integrate her by making random and funny comments. Yes, his nickname was kind of perfect for who he was.

“Y’know, I was like you few years ago. I was the newbie among them and all.”

She quickly returned his smile, realizing she had been lost in thoughts for a few moments. He was really friendly and made her feel good about herself, about her choice to work with the SVU. She was so glad that Benson decided to put him as her partner.

“Well, it’s really reassuring to know I already have a knight in a shining armor to protect me.” she replied joyfully, playing his own sweet game very easily.

She swore she could see him lightly blush and she would have giggled about it if Benson hadn’t stormed out in the main room to tell them they had a new case.

* * *

 

If she had to be completely honest she was relieved that her first case wasn’t about child abuse. But fortunately she didn’t have to tell so out loud as she was still trying to make a good impression. She knew rapes weren’t less important, but there was something about broken kids that made her want to scream in deep anger. Life is hard enough and she really thought years of pure innocence were essentials.

Her attention snapped back to the board, where a picture of the victim was posted, as well as a bunch of pictures of potential suspects, all very rich and powerful.

Obviously, the case could have been easier. It dumbfounded her but didn’t shock her, that rape cases were so difficult to prove and to convince to a jury. What was wrong with the world? Everything. But the fact that the victim was a stripper and didn’t recall who raped her because she was probably drugged by one of her rich clients, didn’t help at all.

As Sonny was gesticulating in front of the board, while Lieutenant Benson was telling them what to do next for their investigation, Barba walked in the precinct with his usual confidence and determination.

“Hey counselor, your timing couldn’t get better.” Sonny greeted the man, and the new agent’s eyes turned to this man in a beautiful and elegant suit.

Benson didn’t wait for his friend to respond to the Italian detective. “Ah Barba, this is our agent in training.”

When she heard a boss was presenting herself to the new arriving, she immediately stood up, observing the man while he did the same thing, unashamed.

“You’re young.” She fought the urged to raise an eyebrow, as she usually did when her friends tried to give her shit and fight with her on smart-ass comments. She didn’t know him, but she guessed he always chose his words wisely. He was testing her.

“And you’re wearing suspenders. I guess it creates a concrete gap between my baby age and the fact you were born in the 19th century.” She didn’t hesitate one second before snapping at him the same way he did, though there wasn’t any animosity in her voice.

There was a silence for a few seconds, people startled by her reaction and waiting to see what Barba was going to do. Eventually he smiled, maybe a bit impressed by her comment and her “I don’t take shit” attitude.

“You’re sassy, I like that. I’m ADA Rafael Barba.”

He stretched out his hand towards her, and she seemed to freeze for whatever reason, before she shook his hand. But it was so quick that he wasn’t sure.

“I’m Lou.”

He didn’t know if it was due to her name, or the feel of her hand in his, but he felt suddenly really dizzy. His vision began to blur, he could feel his heart hammering in his chest, and he had trouble breathing.

He withdrew his hand, and opened his mouth to say something. But as he thought the feeling would disappear, it just got stronger until the world was spinning all around him.

And everything went dark.


	2. Chapter 2

He felt heavy and light at the same time. His head was severely pounding, but it wasn’t really unpleasant, nothing compared to his usual headaches. Everything about that was strange but he felt good.

Eyes still closed, he could hear some muffled voices, as if he was far from everything. He needed a few minutes in his black resting world to remember what just happened.

When everything came back in his mind, Lou and the overwhelming sensation to suffocate, his eyes snapped open, and he blinked a few times to adjust at the new blinding light.

He looked all around him. He was in Liv’s office, lying on the couch. They must have carried him. He groaned in frustration and embarrassment.

He rubbed his eyes, in an attempt to come to his senses and got up from the couch.

When he pushed the door open, all the squad immediately turned toward him and he had to fight not to blush. He managed to keep his usual expression, discouraging anyone from pitying him.

“What happened?” His voice was steady, and he was proud of himself for maintaining his image even if inside of him he was truly troubled.

“You blacked out Barba. Are you feeling better now?” Benson looked at him a bit worried, not used to seeing him showing weakness. He simply nodded, his gaze avoiding everyone else.

“So I guess I’m your soulmate.” Lou was standing a bit behind everyone else, watching the scene with attention. She didn’t really know how to behave right now, also overwhelmed by too much information for her first day on the job.

She smiled at him shyly, and Rafael immediately felt a bit better, smiling at her in response.

Even if he’d never admit it, like everyone he had imagined hundreds of times how he would meet his soulmate. But in all his scenarios, he would have never imagined he would have to deal with it in front of all the squad.

Maybe they were the closest persons to be his friends, nevertheless he never had been someone who liked to talk about his private life. And now he had to handle one of his most intimate moments with everyone.

“Y'know my parents told me when they met they also felt something. A deep joy, but it wasn’t only their own, they could feel each others happiness.”

She couldn’t help but chuckle a little at Sonny’s intervention. He kept his word, he truly was her knight in shining armor.

Barba, on the other hand, didn’t really react the same way as her. He froze for a few seconds, his intense stare on the friendly Italian. He blinked a few times, as he was coming back to his senses.

“Thank you for your romantic babbling nonsense but…”

“It’s not nonsense, soulmates are real. But what I’m trying to say is you don’t have to feel awkward about that, counselor. Sure it’s the first time I’ve seen about something as strong but…”

“Once again, thank you Detective.”

He knew Carisi meant no harm, that his intentions were pure. And, even if his snarky reactions showed the opposite, he really enjoyed his enthusiasm. But not this time. He couldn’t handle this unexpected situation and the blond detective.

“Coffee?” he suddenly blurted out, maybe a bit awkwardly.

He needed to get out of this situation. He didn’t want the squad to keep looking at him like he was the main attraction of a freak show. Though, he genuinely wanted to get to know Lou. It was hard to think about it now, but he had waited for this moment his entire life and he was naturally drawn to her.

And coffee was always a good idea.

Lou didn’t talk much until now, simply watching Barba trying to escape this with dignity. Maybe she should pity him a little bit, but she couldn’t deny she was having her own fun.

But now she felt as she was in Barba’s shoes, while all eyes turned over to her as he proposed kind of a date to her.

She lost her discreet smile, her mind full of confusing thoughts.

The squad was silent, but she could see the hope in everyone’s eyes. Soulmates were a common thing because everyone had one, but it was always a big deal.

She felt tension rising up in her belly, and she fervently ran a hand through her hair.

“I’ve already got someone.”

Her breaths were short and she could feel her heart pounding in her chest. But if she closed her eyes, she could easily pretend it was Rafael’s.

He really felt as if he had been drowned in a giant bucket of ice and his heart just broke in thousands of pieces. One part of him felt ridiculous for feeling so heartbroken, but it wasn’t supposed to be like that. He told himself he didn’t believe in fairytales, but didn’t he also deserve his shot at a romantic happy life?

“But she’s not my soulmate and I’ll be more than happy to have coffee with you.” she quickly added when she saw the look on his face.

Suddenly she had this strong and irrational desire to take him in her arms and tell him everything would be okay. She chased this feeling away, though she still needed to reassure him, a little bit.

The chaos in his mind slowly calmed down, and he nodded, agreeing to meet later.

* * *

 

Lou was now in a car with detectives Tutuola and Carisi, on their way to go to the strip-club where the victim worked.

Only a few hours had passed since she walked into the precinct for the first time, but she felt like a week had already passed. She wasn’t sure if it was a good or a bad thing. At least, she was still really motivated to learn about the job and be good at it. She was also very grateful of Benson for sending her in the crime scene with both of the detectives, as it was a good excuse for avoiding awkward conversation about what just happened. She’d thank them later.

They parked in front of the strip club, and as they got out of the car, Carisi nicely approached her.

“As it’s your first day, it’s maybe best you just watch this time.”

She simply nodded. Fin was clearly quieter than the younger detective, but his presence was kind of reassuring too, and she was very glad to have them beside her, spontaneously taking care of her in their own way.

They entered the strip-club, and as they automatically searched for the owner, Lou took a little time to observe around her, smiling politely to some girls barely dressed walking near her. She didn’t feel uncomfortable. Actually it was still daytime and there weren’t many customers. She thought she sort of enjoyed the atmosphere in the club at this hour, it had something relaxing.

“You’re saying that you’d rather protect one of your customers, even a rapist one, more than your employees?”

Or maybe not that relaxing actually.

Fin seemed to ask a simple question, but his tone and his eyes sure showed how much he disapproved the owner’s decision.

“Oh come on man, you know what I’m talking about. If we can’t feel safe and free anymore, in what world are we living?”

She didn’t know if she wanted to punch him and break his hideous nose more or laugh at him. Was he really using free will as an excuse for covering up a rape?

“Safe? Are you talking about your patrons or your strippers? Like the one who’s been raped by one of these free men. I’m sure she feels very safe!”

If she wanted to fight him, she wasn’t apparently the only one in this situation as Sonny almost jumped down his throat. His blue eyes were wide and his words cut him sharp as the proprietor blushed, ashamed, and looked at his feet.

“But it’s okay man. We’ll come back with a warrant and make sure to go through everything that happened in this club so far.” Fin harshly added before he could retrieve his misplaced bravado.

He sighed. “Okay guys, I’m going to give you the videos I have, but be discreet please.”

* * *

 

Back at the precinct, they were silently going through the videos, the only noises were coming from her eating an apple, when Sonny moved in his seat and paused his laptop. His eyebrows furrowed in a serious expression grabbed her attention and she looked up from her own laptop to watch him.

He pointed to the screen with his fingers. “I think I got something.”

She immediately got up and went to stand behind him, a hand on his shoulder as she bent a little to have a better view, while he went back of a few seconds. Lou bent a little bit more as they could clearly see two people, their victim and a man, fighting about something. Hard to tell about what, since there wasn’t any sound and the images’ quality wasn’t good enough to see their lips and try to guess.

“Looks like we have a lead. Maybe it’s our rapist client.”

He didn’t wait another second to begin to take notes on what he just found, while Lou, eyebrows furrowed in concentration, kept watching the quick scene. There was something weird about it, but she couldn’t exactly find what.

As she was about to point to the screen and say something, Benson entered the precinct while talking to Fin, but stopped when she saw her new agent was still there. “Lou, weren’t you supposed to meet Barba?”

She immediately looked at the clock. “Shit!” She tried so much not to think about it and to focus on something else that she was almost late.

She threw the core of her apple in the trash can, grabbed her coat, said goodbye quickly to everyone and hurried out of the precinct.


	3. Chapter 3

Rafael was already waiting in front of the cafe where they agreed to meet. He felt a bit stressed, and it was absolutely absurd because he was a grown up who had regular meetings with several people all the time. Yes, but this was truly different. It had been years since he went on a proper date, abandoning the idea of a relationship for his own ambition. And it didn’t sound that stupid now that his soulmate love story hadn’t started so well.

He shook his head, trying to chase these thoughts, which he didn’t know if they were pessimism or realism, when he saw her.

She wasn’t really running, but almost. Walking very fast while she wasn’t even late. This made him smile a little, he appreciated the fact she hurried to avoid making him wait too long.

“Hello. I’m sorry, we’ve been caught up by the case and I didn’t check what time it was.” she said slightly out of breath, when she was finally near him.

“Don’t worry, you’re not late and I haven’t been waiting awhile.” he smiled at her, opening the cafe’s door and letting her come in first, like a perfect gentleman. The gesture made her smile and she thanked him by a movement of her head.

Usually he went straight to the bar, this time he chose a more intimate table, guiding her further in the back.

“So, how’s the case going?” he asked genuinely while they took their seats one facing the other.

She shrugged, not because she didn’t want to talk about it, but mostly because she wasn’t sure what to answer. “Still the beginning, I guess.”

He smiled, knowing perfectly what she meant, since he worked with detectives all the time and saw the progress of cases very often.

She wondered for a few seconds if she should talk to him about her suspicion after having watched the fight in the video. It was irrational, but something naturally pushed her to open herself to him. But she knew better than to reveal something to the prosecutor before even having talked to her Lieutenant. So she decided to keep her mouth shut.

“It must be pretty different from school.”

He didn’t strike her as a person who was used to do small talk. Even if their situation was different from the usual, she couldn’t help but think he was only trying to start an useless conversation. Maybe he really was interested in and cared about her thoughts.

“Well, yes. At school we talk about the cases once they’re over, it gives us some distance. But here, we actually have to deal with the victims, the suspects… It’s more emotional, harder in a way. But so much more interesting.”

He was observing her, not breaking eye contact once while she talked. And Lou almost had the feeling she could drown in his green eyes. How can a simple stare be so intense?

She was young but she was smart, and if he had felt a bit nerves before their meeting, he was astonished at how easy it was to talk to her. He didn’t have to dig his mind to find some topics of conversation. Everything was natural, as if they didn’t just meet for the first time only a few hours ago. And God knew how much he disliked having to force conversations.

“So I guess you want to do this job in order to help people.”

“Or I just feed on their pain.” She put an index on her lips, as if to tell him to be discreet about it, and Rafael couldn’t help but chuckle a little, astonished by her weird sense of humor.

He never had the chance to add something as the waiter came to take their order. The lawyer asked for a scotch as usual, and as she wanted to take a caipirinha, she wasn’t sure if it was a real good idea to drink an alcohol that strong, especially a cocktail she loved so much she couldn’t stop drinking. She ordered a beer, it was safer. She didn’t want to be completely drunk in front of him. At least not for a first impression.

“But isn’t that also the reason why you became a prosecutor?” she didn’t hesitate to ask while she grabbed a handful of peanuts.

Maybe it was a private subject, but he asked her the same thing and they were supposed to know each other better.

“One of the reasons, yes. But it’s a story for a fifth date.”

“Because there’s going to be a fifth date?”

“So you’re agreeing that it’s actually a date.”

As she was about to eat more peanuts, her hand stopped just in front of her mouth, open before she closed it and smiled at him. “That was smooth, you got me. I’m not sure how to call that, so I guess it is.”

It was crazy, but he felt a warm wave invading his entire body and comforting him. Though, if he had to be honest, nothing made sense between them. So he decided to stop overthinking everything and just to enjoy the moment.

The waiter came back with their drinks, and they slightly raised them between them, before taking a sip. There was anything like a good drink at the end of the day.

“So if you have a girlfriend…”

“I’m bisexual, if that’s what you’re asking.” She knew this was coming, and, even if she wasn’t shy about her sexuality, she couldn’t blame him for being curious. She thought it was his right to know, after all he had her first name on his skin.

“That’s… good to know.” Even if he tried to seem neutral, she still heard a bit of hope in his voice. And her heart sank in her stomach.

“You are too though, right?” She looked at him through her lashes, an amused smile discreetly playing on her lips, while she took another sip of her beer.

This time it was his turn to be surprised. “How did you know?”

“Well, you didn’t seem surprised when a woman showed up as your soulmate. And you match your socks with your tie.” she talked about his fashion style, an index pointed towards him as for increasing her observation.

“That’s an awful stereotype!” he exclaimed.

She laughed, truly laughed at his comment and he forgot to feel offended by what she just said.

“You’re absolutely right. But between your suspenders and your taste for detail, it’s a great excuse to make fun of you, a little. I do love the way you dress, though.”

He was glad he wasn’t a teenager anymore. The awkward little Rafael he had been in the past certainly would have been blushing all the way down to his chest. “Are you flirting with me? I’m genuinely impressed and flattered that you had enough time to notice so much about me.”

She shrugged, trying to seem uninterested, even if she couldn’t hide a little smile. “It’s only because it’s too flashy.” She would never admit she actually checked him out discreetly.

They talked for awhile. How long exactly, they didn’t know. Probably a few hours, as they ordered drinks after drinks, the sun had gone to sleep for awhile now, letting his place in the sky to the moon, and they didn’t even notice.

She felt a bit tipsy. She didn’t have that much to drink, however it had been a pretty exhausting day, in a good way, and she didn’t eat during all day. Unconsciously her eyes caught and followed hot and smoking plates the waiter was bringing to some clients. It smelled delicious.

Barba must have seen her attention snapped to the food, because he didn’t finish his sentence but said instead “We should probably eat something.”

For a second she thought it wasn’t a good idea. She shouldn’t even be having drinks with this man, of whom she was the soulmate, during an evening they agreed on calling a date, while she already had someone. But she was starving and her stomach decided for her in the end.

“Okay.”

Now she couldn’t deny it did look like a date. A part of her felt guilty, not only because of her girlfriend but also for Rafael. On the other hand, she really was having a good time, and she easily forgot about her guilt to fully enjoy the moment. Maybe it was because of the alcohol, or the strange atmosphere there was during nighttime, but they felt a bit out of time, as if they were in their own world.

“I’m sorry, but I have to ask.” he changed suddenly the topic of conversation, and Lou raised her head to look at him, her mouth full of French fries. She raised her eyebrows in a questioned look, praying him to continue.

“Am I…” He paused, swallowing his food and looking for his words before keeping on talking. “Do you have my name on you?”

She was glad she didn’t have anything in her mouth anymore. She could take a sip of her beer and seeming casual, while the truth was that her heart started hammering in her chest, in an almost painful way. She brushed her mouth with her right thumb, without daring to look directly at him.

Time stopped for Rafael. He had these questions in his mind since they had met, and even if he was afraid, he needed answers. His heart also started beating faster, and he was unconsciously holding his breath, waiting patiently.

“You didn’t faint like me, but…” But what? He couldn’t finish his sentence. She didn’t faint, but he felt something so strong, he was sure it was impossible she didn’t feel it too.

He didn’t know what to except or what to hope for. Did he really want to adhere to the soulmates’ romanticism? It was more than just some tattoos on his skin, he wished this night wouldn’t be the last and he could live it again. He always put his work first, now was his chance to have a proper life outside court.

“I won’t tell you.” she told almost in a whisper, and she wondered for a few seconds if he heard her.

If his heart had been pounding, now it completely stopped beating. “What… why?”

She sighed and stared back at him. She really confused him. Neither of them could deny that something was going on between them. She was friendly and flirty, but everytime he tried to push a little bit more, she became immediately distant.

“Whatever the answer is, you won’t like it. It doesn’t matter, because I won’t break up with my girlfriend for you… It wouldn’t be fair to her.” She made an apologizing face to him, and almost reached for his hand but stopped before she could. It would have been very inappropriate.

“I realize it’s also unfair to you but…” She accepted the rendezvous because she genuinely wanted to know him better, and at the moment she felt like it was the right thing to do. Now, she wasn’t that sure anymore.

“Don’t worry, I get it.” He waved with his hand, before taking another bite of his burger.

His thoughts were so chaotic, he almost lost himself in his own mind. He wasn’t surprised of her answer, she made it quite clear since the beginning and he appreciated her honesty. Nevertheless, he couldn’t help but feel some bitterness, and felt bad for feeling like that. Sure he heard about soulmate stories that went really bad, but he didn’t think his would have been so messed up.

“Though ordering dinner was a great idea.” she tried, a bit more shyly that she was used to, offering him a little smile while eating another fry.

He looked up at her and genuinely smiled, amused by her comment and thankful she was thoughtful enough to change the subject.

“Yes, my secretary gives me a hard time because I eat snacks all day long, but it seems the only way I can feed myself.”

“I know right?!” he almost flinched at her sudden enthusiasm, and missed his last piece of burger with his mouth. He looked at her, his green eyes shining. It was crazy how she managed to make him feel all these opposite emotions in just a few seconds apart.

“I spend all my time eating, but it’s like I’m never full!” This time he truly laughed at how she could be passionate, even about food.

“And you’re that thin? You’re lucky.” he smashed his empty glass on the table. He felt full now, though.

“Yes, life isn’t really fair. I should be very fat.”

He shook his head in amusement and disbelief. “And you’re going to complain about that? You’re weird.”

Clocks still ticking, they both knew they had a lot of work to do the next day, but neither of them was decided to end their little moment.

However, at some point they couldn’t drink more without taking the risk to be completely drunk and people started to leave the bar, which was emptier and emptier.

“I should get going, I don’t want to be too exhausted for my second day.” she gave him a little smile and he nodded, understanding her will to show at work in a good state of mind.

“Yes you’re right. I should get some sleep too, I have to wake up early.”

“Hmm, even busier than the President, right?”

He laughed and she tilted her head, watching him. If he wanted to say something, he forgot about it when his green eyes met her blue ones. He sighed and chased whatever thought he was having. “Fine, I’ll pay.”

“Are you inviting me? This is kind of sexist though.”

“Shut up, it makes me happy.”

It was her turn to laugh when he got up to pay the bill. Sure he could have a sharp tongue.

Out of the cafe, which was about to close, Barba put his coat on and appreciated the fresh air of the night. Lou followed him just a few seconds after.

“So, there probably won’t be a fifth date.”

She sighed and messed with her hair when she ran a hand through it, as she did everytime she was feeling awkward. “I think it’s best, Rafael.”

He tried not to think about how his first name sounded good when she said it.

“Alright.” Even if he was disappointed, he expected this answer and totally understood her decision. “Do you want me to call you a cab?”

“I’m fine. I’m parked right there.”

He nodded. “Good night then.”

“Good night, Rafael.” She hesitated before kissing him on the cheek. “Thank you for the lovely evening.” And she disappeared in the corner of the street.

He sighed, his hands in his pocket while he started to head home. He felt very happy and satisfied, and weirdly enough it made him sad. Because he couldn’t have her.


	4. Chapter 4

As if she had a clock in her brain, Lou slowly woke up a few minutes before her alarm. She blinked a few times, her mind still fuzzy with sleep, letting the sunlight, which came in through the thick curtains, warm up her body. Her phone finally rang on the nightstand, and she turned it off before stretching a little. Absent-minded she tried to style her hair a little with her hand, but it was so curly and messed up from sleep it was useless.

Letting some time pass to gain back energy, she thought about the day before.

She had been very thrilled about her opportunity to work with the SVU. She knew it was going to be interesting, but she never thought it would be that exciting.

She was still content from her sleep, but she knew if she tried to think hard about all what happened yesterday it’d be chaos in her mind and her heart again. Maybe it was selfish of her, though she really wanted to stay in a good mood, not to put too many thoughts into all of this and enjoy fully her experience with the SVU.

She got up and went into the shower.

For sure it was a hard job. And she didn’t complain about it, working hard was why she agreed to be trained in that special unit. But it wasn’t all about catching the bad guys. When Lou arrived at the precinct, everyone was already there, except Fin and the Lieutenant. When Sonny saw her he immediately approached her and stretched his arm toward her to show her a box of pastries.

Rollins stopped what she was doing to warn her. “You should take one or you’ll never hear the end of it.” She made an apologizing face, as if she was responsible for a child.

The Italian scowled at his partner, and even if he didn’t say a thing Lou could almost hear the sarcastic “haha” behind his blue eyes.

She shook her head as she witnessed a very amusing fight between two kids. Anyway, she didn’t plan on refusing his sweet offer. She never said no to food, especially as she had the bad habit to skip breakfast before having to go.

She gladly grabbed one of his pastries. “Thanks Sonny.” She didn’t know if it was because she called him by his first name like he asked her to, or because she accepted the cake, but his grumpy expression changed into a radiant smile.

She put it in her mouth, and she immediately closed her eyes and moaned a little. “That’s so good. What is it?” She looked at the rest of cake in her hand.

“They are frollini with chocolate flakes, an Italian pastry. My mother has a special recipe.” he said, happy to have an opportunity to talk a little about his origins.

“Your mother made them? My compliments to the chef.” At the praise, he really looked like a cute puppy, and Lou wanted to giggle. Delighted to have finally someone on his side, he proposed her another cake. She didn’t want to take advantage of his kindness, but those were really good and he seemed so happy that she sighed and smiled before eating another one.

“So, what’s today’s plan?” she asked her mouth still half full.

If the squad obviously had their daily routine and knew perfectly what to do for the continuation of the investigation, it wasn’t true for her. Sure she knew the protocol taught at school, but she was still trying to fit among them.

“We bring the victim back to see if she can identify our guy on the video.” Fin answered dynamically while he walked in the precinct with Benson.

He stopped once he was near them. “Oh I see Carisi made another victim with his Italian food.” He pointed the cake Lou was finishing eating.

Sonny pouted, Lou swallowed quickly and tried to say. “Yes actually about that…” But before she could add something else the victim arrived and everyone’s attention turned to her as the Lieutenant tenderly greeted her.

Benson brought her into the comfy interrogatory room and told Rollins and Lou to follow her. She showed her the video and her face suddenly became livid, something which didn’t go unnoticed by the detectives.

“Would you know the name of this man? And why did you fight like this?” Rollins asked her nicely, her voice soft nothing compared to when she made fun of his partner and friend.

She hesitated, as she seemed to fight with her own thoughts while she awkwardly played with her hands. Softly, Lou sat beside her. “Do you have a boyfriend?”

Her eyes snapped to the new agent, an expression of surprised on her face. “How did you know?”

Lou smiled at her and put her hand on hers to make it clear that no one was judging her. “The fight, he didn’t seem like a stranger to you. I couldn’t know what you were fighting about, but you definitely seemed intimate.”

The victim looked at her without saying anything for a few long seconds, before blinking and nodding very slowly. “Yes.” she stammered. “I mean, we were together still a few weeks ago.”

“What happened?” Benson encouraged her to tell them the entire story.

“We went out for three years. I lost my precedent job because the company had to shut down. A friend told me this strip-club were looking for dancers and strippers, and I wanted to keep dancing, so I’ve started this new job about five weeks ago. But he found out and became mad. He broke up with me, said he never wanted to see me again because I was a slut. I didn’t see him again, until he showed up at my work. I tried to push him. But he became even madder and told me it wasn’t over. He was waiting for me late at night when I finished work and…” she started crying.

“And he raped you?” Benson asked.

She nodded her answer, unable to form coherent sentences while tears started to fall down her cheeks. She took a few deep breaths as she struggled to continue her story. “He said he wanted to talk, but he was drunk and I was scared. So I tried to run away and he grabbed me…”

This time she really couldn’t finish her story and her cries became stronger. Amanda’s hand replaced Lou’s, and she squeezed in an attempt to comfort the victim.

Benson looked toward the one-way mirror, knowing Sonny and Finn were watching. They immediately understood that she wanted more evidence about that lead, and to have a talk with this ex boyfriend.

Once she calmed down, Rollins nicely walked her out. Lou stepped out of the interrogation room, and took a deep breath as she messed up her hair with a shaking hand, feeling a bit emotional.

Benson got out just after her, and put a comforting hand on her shoulder to make sure she was okay. Lou turned her head toward her and smiled, telling her without words she’d be fine and she was thankful of her attention.

“That was a nice intuition Lou. But next time I’d appreciate that you came to me first.”

“Copy that, Lieutenant.”

* * *

 

After her confession, everything went a lot faster. They collected enough evidence by the time they brought the so-called boyfriend, and made him roughly sit in the other interrogatory room.

Fascinated, Lou was watching Sonny and Fin questioning the suspect when Barba entered Benson’s office with a determined walk, and gave her a little smile to say hello. “Fill me in Liv, what’s new?”

“Actually the rapist wasn’t a client but her ex-boyfriend. They recently broke up because he found out she was a stripper, and he became so mad that he raped her.” she answered quickly, wasting no time.

“Lovely.” His expression stayed neutral, but the sarcasm of his voice was obvious. “How did you find him?”

The Lieutenant had a soft but mischievous smile, as if she knew what she was going to say would affect his friend in any way. “In fact, it was Lou.”

He raised an eyebrow in surprise.

“She had a hint from the video that he was someone more close to the victim than just a client.” she explained.

He turned toward her and nodded his head with an impressed pout.

“Look pal, we don’t even have to bring you here. We have enough evidence to arrest you immediately. But we want to hear your side of the story.” Sonny pushed one last time after a few hard minutes on him. They hammered him with aggressive questions until he couldn’t think straight anymore.

“We had sex, yes. But only because she’s still in love with me and was desperate for it. I broke up with her because she lied to me and she shows her body to everyone. How can person like that be raped?” he exclaimed, his hands open before him, as if he truly were innocent.

“Of course, because in the law there’s a list of people who can’t ever be raped.” Fin argued with wide eyes, as he couldn’t believe what he was saying.

Barba sighed. “He’s good for a trial. He won’t plead guilty and there’s enough evidence to charge him. Let’s arrest him.”

Benson nodded and knocked on the mirror to call back her detectives.

“And Lou,” his attention was back to her “I’ll have to prep you for the trial.”

* * *

 

It was the first time Lou stepped a foot in the courthouse, and she felt a bit intimidated. She couldn’t help but look at everything around her, her eyes wide and her senses in alert as if she wanted to remember every little detail. She couldn’t believe Rafael worked here daily. This man she only saw in the precinct and in a bar. Though she felt she was mistaken, because it should be the opposite. He was a well-known lawyer with a big reputation, most people shouldn’t even picture him outside court.

This thought made her smile for no reason at all and she made an effort to have her serious face before knocking on his door.

When Barba heard the knocks, he didn’t even stop writing his preparations for the trial before he mumbled “Come in!”.

Lou opened the door and entered almost shyly in the impressive office, drinking in everything she could see. Rafael didn’t raise his head, totally focused on what he was doing. She watched him a few seconds, enjoying the sight of him in his office before clearing her throat. “Do you want me to come another time?”

At the sound of her voice he immediately looked up. He smiled. “No it’s fine. Just wait a few minutes please.”

He kept on writing and Lou went to sit on his couch. She wanted to go through every book he had behind his desk, but she behaved and waited patiently.

Finally he dropped his pen. “Okay, I’m all yours.”

If she had to be completely honest, she was having a good time, as it seemed to be a recurrent thing when she was with him. They were working hard, no doubt about that. Nevertheless there was something about being in an empty courtroom that made her think she could do anything she wanted in it and no one would ever know. Moreover, even if Barba was giving her a hard time, because he was a perfectionist who liked meticulous work, there was something thrilling to see him in his element.

It had been hours since they worked hard for prepping her, and she was starting to feel exhausted. She didn’t say anything, but he must have noticed. His feet on the jury box, his sleeves rolled up, his tie loosened a little and a block of notes on his lap, he looked at her and smiled nicely. Was he that preventive with every witness?

“Do you want to take a break?”

She sighed in relief, and suddenly felt like she had been holding her breath for a few hours, and the simple fact to deeply breath out made her feel the tiredness in her body. “It’d probably be a good idea.”

He nodded knowingly, his feet back on the floor and stretching a little to wake up his body from his previous position. “Don’t worry, you’re doing great.”

“Well you’re on my side, it’s the easy part. I can’t wait to see with what sauce the defense attorney is going to eat me.” She knew as she was the youngest member of the team she was the weakest link. It was going to be hard, but she didn’t want to screw up everything.

“I trust you. Just keep your emotions at bay and you’ll be fine.” She thought about it a few seconds. He was right, she’d have to keep it professional and suppress her emotions. A thing she became an expert with time, until it was too much and everything burst out into flames.

She raised her arms behind her head and stretched. “What is wrong with him anyway? It’s obvious that this guy raped her, and he still wants to defend him?”

He smirked and shook his head. “Buchanan? I’m convinced this man has no soul.”

“That sounds about right.” she chuckled. She didn’t doubt that he was a great lawyer, but she couldn’t accept that people could choose money over justice.

She looked around her, appreciating the relaxing silence between them, before her eyes locked on the judge stand. “Can I climb up there?”

He tilted his head and smiled, lightly surprised by her spontaneous asks. He laughed a little. “If you don’t touch anything, I won’t say a word.”

“Sweet!” she exclaimed and moved from her seat to take the judge’s. “It’s impressive from up there.”

“Isn’t it? It’s where I want to end up.” he said, walking in the room a little.

“Really? I bet you’d be an amazing judge.”

He raised an eyebrow and walked to stand in front of her, a hand on the bar. “You didn’t even see me as a lawyer yet.”

She seemed thoughtful for a few short seconds. “That’s true, but I still mean it though.”

In spite of himself, his smile was radiant at the praise. It was his life goal, and it meant a lot that someone believed in him.

“It’s just too bad you won’t be able to help the victims anymore.”

“Someone else will.” he shrugged, spontaneously trying to seem disinterested while the truth was he thought about that fact. Yes, he was ambitious and didn’t want to stay a prosecutor his all life, but, even if he never talked about it, he did care about the victims.

“As good as you?” she simply asked. For a person who was mysterious on so many points, she really could be open and honest.

He took a few steps away from her and snickered a little, as he shook his head and put his hands back in his pockets. “Again, you haven’t seen me in court yet.”

“Again true. But you’ll do great.” she didn’t think twice before answering back. Maybe it was because she was on the judge’s seat, and she really felt powerful, but he was a bit startled by her enthusiasm.

“You never know. What he did is wrong, but a rape is always very tricky and she’s a stripper.” he stated as simple facts.

“Being a stripper wouldn’t have to be a problem.” She took a lollipop from the inside pocket of her vest, and Rafael raised an eyebrow. Was she a kid? Although she did say she spent most of her time eating. After having paced in the court, as if he was really talking to a jury, he came to stand before her one more time.

“In a way, she’s in the sex business. And it’s a shitty job.” he tilted his head and looked straight in her eyes.

“Oh come on, you can’t possibly think that. Sure, some strippers aren’t there by choice. But a person who isn’t ashamed of their body and wants to show it should do it without being judged for it, sometimes it’s a free choice. How is it better than Buchanan selling his soul for good money?” she exclaimed, the lollipop in her mouth, her hands gesticulating frantically before her and talking very fast because she was clearly passionate by the topic of conversation.

He smiled, and she had this feeling that what he thought didn’t really matter because he was testing her. Clever bastard. “You’re right. It’s a free country, after all.”

“Yes, on paper.”

He made thoughtful face, meaning he wasn’t saying it out loud but in a way he agreed with her.

A few minutes of silence passed between them, Lou eventually crunching her lollipop when she came to the end, and Rafael peacefully going through his notes. But at one point, she looked at the clock and broke the comfortable silence. “Wow, it’s late. Do you realize it’s been two days we’ve met, and two nights we’ve spent together?”

He looked at his watch too, nodded about the fact that it was getting pretty late and they stayed here for hours. “Fortunately we have that no date rule.” he pointed the irony of the situation, though there was no bitterness in his voice, he was only teasing.

“Okay.” He got up from his seat to get close to her, after she left the judge’s seat and came to sit on the other table Barba wasn’t using. “I have one last question.” She raised an eyebrow to ask him to continue. “Why do you think he did it?”

She took a couple of minutes to think back, remembering everything she heard during the investigation, from the victim but also the rapist. What they said and how they reacted. Finally, she sighed. “He was hurt because she lied. But it’s more than that. He’s madly in love with her and became insanely possessive when he was told what she did. Love can make us do unforgivable things.”

He didn’t know if she was still talking about their case or if she warned about them.


	5. Chapter 5

The defendant had been found guilty.

The entire squad walked with Barba outside the courthouse, standing up on the top of the stairs.

Lou took a deep breath. “That was… intense.” It had been a good experience, one she had to get used to. But, even if the counselor prepped her well, the emotional load and the attacks from the other side shook her a little. It was her first time, she knew it had been even harder for her.

Sonny patted her in the back as a move of comfort which worked as Lou couldn’t help but smile at him in response.

Benson seemed to approve the encouraging gesture as she added. “It was a good job Lou.”

She felt a warm wave making her heart beating faster at the praise. She knew it was a first case, and she would make mistakes in the future, but she did quite well at not making a fool of herself for a first impression. And she didn’t even try to hide her happy and proud smile.

“I must admit you did great.” Barba agreed very seriously, still in the mood of the trial he won.

Lou looked at him, her smile didn’t disappear. He had no choice than to stare back at her. And as he could almost see the hundreds of thoughts happening in her mind behind her blue eyes, he was glad he had improved his emotionless expression.

“If I didn’t know you better Barba, I’d say you’re almost impressed.” She teased him, and he tilted his head when she called by his last name and not his first name as she was used to. He appreciated that.

“Don’t get your hopes too high, trainee.” If the surname was meant to be insulting, and it was in other situations, Lou knew it was only a sarcastic answer at a game she started.

She only shook her head in amusement and took a pack of cigarettes in her coat’s pocket.

“You smoke?”

"Come on! Am I not allowed to one? We just won a trial.” she retorted while she lighted her cigarette. She didn’t smoke a lot, but there were times like this she felt the need of a nasty smoke in her lungs.

Her Lieutenant smiled. She wasn’t a smoker herself, but she could definitely not decide what was good or not for her agent. Furthermore she had the decency not to smoke during work, even when she was outside with a partner. She just let go, as her detective. It wasn’t a big deal after all.

“But a cigarette for celebrating is sad, we should go out for a drink.” Sonny exclaimed. He always had the best ideas.

Everyone seemed quite excited about relaxing in a bar with a few drinks. Even Barba who started to grumble about it, his grumpy lawyer attitude always prominent when he was with everyone, had been convinced quite easily.

As they started to head toward their usual bar, Lou heard someone call, or more scream, her name and she automatically turned toward the sound. Her girlfriend absolutely surprised her and suddenly jumped into her arms.

She was genuinely happy to see her, even if she didn’t expect this. But she couldn’t enjoy her completely as her mind wandered about Rafael.

His stomach tightened unpleasantly, and he looked away.

“Everyone, this is Mia. Mia, this is the SVU.” She presented her to the squad, trying to be polite and seem casual. But she couldn’t stop running her hand in her hair, and her voice was unsteady. It was clear that she was a bit embarrassed.

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you. Lou talked about you a lot.” Then she turned toward her girlfriend and grabbed her hand to take her away from them. “It’s been awhile since we saw each other. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out.”

“Oh.” It’s true since she started her training with the SVU she had been less available. She shouldn’t be surprised by Mia’s action, she was a spontaneous and dynamic person. Sometimes she reminded her of a cute hyperactive puppy. But she really wanted to go out with the squad tonight. Though she felt it was more than this, right now she had to sort of choose between her and Rafael.

And in both cases she’d feel guilty.

“I’m going to have a drink with them, but I’ll join you later.” She gave her the keys to her apartment, as a promise to spend the night with her. “You’ll keep company to Sunny and Moon.”

She eagerly nodded, giving her a light kiss before waving to everyone goodbye and she headed in the opposite direction.

When she went back near them, she laid eyes on Rafael. She wanted to squeeze his hand to apologize discreetly to him, but she felt like it would have been inappropriate. She was still struggling with how to behave around him sometimes.

He only looked back at her, and if he wanted for a few seconds to go home because of what just happened he quickly changed his mind again.

They all started to walk again, Sonny at her side. “Who are Sunny and Moon?”

“My dog and my cat.” She suppressed her desire to laugh, because she knew what was going on.

He frowned a little, as he was deep in thoughts. “The dog’s name sounds like mine.”

This time she couldn’t stop a giggle. “Yeah I know, what a coincidence.” And he pushed her on her shoulder.

* * *

 

A few weeks later, Lou still worked for the SVU. Between her work as a detective in training, the end of her studies, her relationship with Mia and her natural magnetism for Rafael, she had very little time for herself. Though she didn’t complain, she liked to be busy to keep her from thinking too much.

As they agreed, Rafael and her tried to meet the least possible outside work. Nevertheless, it seemed a futile and desperate move from them, as the chemistry between them just kept growing.

* * *

 

“I knew I’d find you here.”

Sitting at the bar, his golden pen in hand and biting his tongue in concentration, Barba looked up when he heard Benson’s voice as she approached him. His notepad before him, as well as a glass of scotch, he took his time to finish writing his sentence.

“Well, it’s not hard to guess since I’m always here, when I’m not in my office or your precinct.” he replied, and it would have been a bit snarky if he didn’t have his usual smirk on his face.

“Fair enough.” She sat beside him and ordered a glass of white wine.

They sat in a comfortable silence, the prosecutor continuing to prep his trial and the Lieutenant lost in thought as she looked in front of her but watched nothing in particular.

“So.” A few minutes later he eventually dropped his pen on the wooden bar. “Do you have something else for me on the case?” he asked casually.

She shrugged and gave him a little smile. “No. I just wanted to see how you were.”

“You could have just asked.”

She rolled her eyes at the attitude of her friend. “Fine. How are you doing?”

With years, he really became an expert at hiding his emotions, even if his eyes were sometimes too expressive for his liking. Then he seemed perfectly casual when he took a sip of his scotch. “What can I say? It’s not the ideal situation but I’ll be alright.”

She sighed. She asked him this question, but she already guessed how he must feel. “I’m sorry about that Rafa.” And she really meant it, her friend deserved a better love story.

“Don’t be. Love has never been made for me.” Sometimes he really was the defeatist kind.

“How can you say that?”

He frowned at her while he finished his drink, as what he was talking was obvious. “You see that everyday in your job Liv. Love isn’t a pretty thing in the end.”

“We see the worst cases Rafa. It doesn’t mean it has to be true for everyone.” But she knew what he was trying to say. Sometimes, unfortunately, she thought the same thing.

"He sighed in defeat, looking at his empty glass. “I don’t know if it’s because I have her name on my skin.” Unconsciously he looked down at his wrist, where he could see her name and the clock still ticking. “But when I look at her, I want to kiss her smile. I want to grab her and never let her go. And knowing I can’t… sometimes it hurts.”

Olivia put her hand on his, trying to comfort him even just a little, and ordered two drinks again.

* * *

 

“Lou, I’m talking to you!” Benson’s voice echoed in her office. Suddenly taken out of her thoughts, Lou frenetically blinked a few times, trying to get back in the moment and understanding what was going on.

She cleared her throat as she tried not to blush. “Uh… Yes, sorry. I’m listening.”

“No you’re not, that’s the problem.” She sighed and took off her glasses she dropped on her desk. “Since yesterday you seem distracted. Is everything alright?”

With one hand Lou messed with her hair, her gaze falling on random papers on her desk. “I’ll be alright. Just some things I need to take care of, but it’s not a big deal.”

“Okay. If you tell me so, I believe you. But I need you to be focused.” Benson looked at her with an intense gaze, and she fought against the urge to squirm on her seat, uncomfortable about the feeling she could read her.

“Yes Lieutenant.”

And she really meant that. Unfortunately, it didn’t become better. The next morning she arrived at work a few hours late, absolutely livid. As she sat at her desk, rubbing her temples, the squad gave her a strange look.

“Did you drink last night?” She really liked Fin, but sometimes she hated his confidence to speak freely and his intuition. Even if it wasn’t hard to guess.

“Yes, kind of.” She sighed. It was going to be a long day. Drinking to forget her problems always sounded like a good idea, until alcohol eventually left her blood and she had to deal with the hangover in addition of the depressive feeling coming after.

Fuck.

She couldn’t get into the case. She didn’t say a word, because she had nothing to say about it and she’d rather keep her mouth shut than make a fool of herself. Although she actually did. She spilled coffee on the floor, all over Rollins and herself. Lou was glad it wasn’t the first day. They would have thought she was a total moron.

When they went to the bathroom to try to clean themselves a little, the blonde detective could see bruises on her partner’s arms but didn’t say a word about it.

Benson watched her all day. It was obvious something was off with her young agent, but she didn’t know what. She left her the entire day, saying nothing. Nevertheless she planned to talk to her the next day. She couldn’t have a burden agent and she was genuinely worried about her.

* * *

 

Rafael had fallen asleep for one hour now. But as usual it wasn’t a deep sleep. So when someone rang his door’s bell, his eyes snapped open immediately. He rubbed his hair slowly, not messed up yet because of sleep, and looked at his clock on his nightstand.

2am.

Who could possibly want to see him at this ungodly hour?

He grabbed his phone in order to check if he had some missed calls. None. He really didn’t have any idea of who was standing in front of his door.

He waited a few minutes, just to see if the person would knock again or just leave. They seemed to hesitate, because some time passed, but finally he heard his bell ring again.

He sighed and got up. He grabbed a random white t-shirt, as he was used to sleep only in luxurious and soft pajama bottom.

He opened the door and whatever he was going to say just died in his throat as he immediately found himself face to face with Lou.

She looked terrible. Well he still thought she was insanely pretty, but it was so obvious something was wrong that his heart immediately hurt in his chest. She didn’t smell of alcohol, but she seemed a bit off. He frowned and watched her with more attention. He suddenly realized.

“Did you smoke?” And something else than just a cigarette. What a great way to say hello. He wanted to slap himself for a few seconds.

She didn’t seem disturbed by his remark, in fact she didn’t even deny it. She took a few deep but shaking breaths. “I need you.”

“Okay.”

If he was initially surprised to find her on his front door, it was her turn to be completely startled by his quick agreement. But it didn’t last long as she closed the space between them, her lips colliding with his as he grabbed her by the waist.


	6. Chapter 6

Her lips were on his, and he had a hard time realizing he was really kissing her. He closed his eyes and kicked his door closed with his bare foot. Even if he was the one who kept her in place with his hands on her waist, she was the one who jumped into his arms.

His hands were shaking because he didn’t want this moment to end.

The kiss had started brutal. Rafael had to take a step back to avoid falling backwards. But once their lips touched, they both melted at the contact. Once they realized they truly were doing it, they took their time.

Rafael sucked her bottom lip, and she answered by slightly biting him. The only audible sounds in the night were the wet sounds of kisses and their breaths which had become heavy.

The more they kissed, the less his hands shook. He brought one hand to cup her face, palm caressing her soft cheek. As if it was a signal, the one she was waiting for or the one which brought her back to the moment, she passed her arms around his shoulders and messed with his hair.

At the same time she bit his bottom lip a little harder and he gasped. She took this opportunity to push her tongue in his mouth. Taken by surprise, he moaned, but didn’t waste any second to caress her tongue with his. His hands moved again and he strongly grabbed her by her thighs just below her ass, and took a step forward to pin her against the door as well as against his body, already overstimulating his growing erection, only covered by a thin and soft pajama bottom.

He never wanted to break the kiss, and he tried to breathe through his nose. But as the kiss really began to become frenetic, he also began to feel very dizzy. Eventually he had to break away to take a deep breath.

His face only a few millimeters away from hers, he took a few seconds to watch her. She had swollen lips and redder than usual, pupils so dilated her eyes were now more black than blue, her cheeks flushed and he guessed the flush was also down her throat. And God, the sight was so inviting.

He swallowed and couldn’t believe what he was about to say. But he did. “Are you sure?”

With his work, it was only natural that he thought consent was truly important. He always needed to hear the word “yes”, and this time more than before. The irony was he had to ask for her consent, but he didn’t even know what answer he wanted to hear. On one hand he wanted to keep kissing her, but on the other he knew it’d change everything and he was scared of what could happen now.

Lou watched him, every detail of him, and caressed his lips with her thumb. Was she sure? Not at all. Everything inside of her screamed that it was a bad idea. But right now she wanted him, even if she’d have to regret it the next day.

There was only one possible answer.

“Yes.” she whispered as if her voice didn’t want to obey her anymore, and she wasn’t sure if he actually heard her.

But he smiled, maybe it was the answer he was waiting for, and took the hand which was still caressing his lips in his.

“Okay.” he said again, voicing his own consent.

She smiled at him too and he cleared his throat. “Do you want something to drink?”

It could seem ridiculous for anyone else that he would ask a such thing in a moment like this. But Lucia Barba made sure she didn’t raise a rude son and he was always a great and polite host. Well most of the time. When he actually received people over. Which was actually rare because even himself wasn’t at home very often.

But she didn’t laugh at him, she just kept her hand in his and her little smile on her face.

“Actually I’d like some water, please.”

He nodded and took her in his kitchen, still hand in hand before he had to drop it in order to take a glass.

She hopped on the counter while he poured a glass and gave it to her. Everything passed in silence but as always it was a comfortable one, even if Rafael would have thought the opposite because of the recent events.

She finished her glass in only three sips, and he couldn’t help but chuckle a little. “Thirsty?”

She shrugged as he took the glass to pour her another one. His mouth felt dry too, but he guessed their kiss wasn’t the only reason why she was that thirsty. Another weed effect.

She was still sitting on the bar, and Rafael was facing her, a few feet apart, hands on the sink behind him. As he was struggling if he really wanted to say what he had in mind, now that the silence started to be a little uncomfortable.

“Listen Lou, you’ve smoked and…” he sighed and began.

But before he could add something else, she cut him off. “Rafael.”

He raised his head and met her eyes while she stretched an arm to beckon him to come forward. As if he was under hypnosis, he softly obeyed and took a few steps toward her, until he was between her legs and she tenderly grabbed his t-shirt.

“I know why you’re doing that, counselor.” He smiled at the surname. “I’m a bit high, but it doesn’t mean I’m not lucid. You have my consent, okay?”

While she talked her hands never stopped touching him. Caressing his chest through his t-shirt, his cheeks, the back of his neck… And she didn’t even seem to really realize what her body was doing. A bit like Rafael, as he stepped even closer to her.

He opened his mouth to say he was “okay” with everything she said, but he realized it was going to be the third time he would say this word, mentally slapping himself for losing all his vocabulary, and instead kissed her again.

They immediately took over where they left off. In addition to all of the conflicting thoughts they were turning in their minds, the desire for the other was overwhelming. They wanted to consume the other one, as much as they wanted to properly discover the other’s body.

Her hands mirrored his and fell to his waist. She played with the waistband of his pajama, touching the soft skin there, and his entire body shivered. She let him believe she was about to go further down, but instead she took the end of his t-shirt and passed it over his head. He raised his arms and threw his t-shirt somewhere in his kitchen.

She broke the kiss and took her time to watch him correctly. He was thick and tanned, and she loved his body. He was beautiful.

“You have more hair than I expected.”

She ran a hand on his chest as to prove her point, enjoying the soft feeling between her fingers.

“Well, I’m Cuban.”

He tilted his head and she met his eyes. He was smirking while looking at her and she wanted to shut him up by kissing him again.

And that was what she did.

She couldn’t get enough of him. Her senses were oversensitive, his smell was making her even higher and she was starting to be too hot.

As if he would have read her mind, he also thought that she was overdressed. He started to unbutton her shirt, but his impatience took over him and he just ripped it open, buttons flying all over his kitchen.

“Sorry.” he breathed out against her lips.

“No, you’re not.” She couldn’t help but smile in their kiss.

“No, I’m not.” he admitted. And even if her shirt was now ruined, she wasn’t sorry either.

It was his turn to look at her. His hands on her soft belly, he couldn’t stop a smirk to cross his lips when he saw her shiver under his touch. He needed more.

Unfortunately the ecstatic state didn’t last as he finally saw a white bandage on her ribs. He frowned and stopped caressing her. Instead he experimentally and softly touched her through the bandage. She didn’t make a face of pain and he looked at her while raising an eyebrow.

“What…” Suddenly it hit him. “Oh.” Mouth open in realization.

She had an awkward expression, trying to silently apologize by making a face. “There’s my birth tattoo here, and I want it to stay secret.”

A part of him wanted to get angry, but the other biggest part wanted to close his eyes for tonight and just enjoy himself. Hoping it’d be worth it.

His hands went on her back, and she gasped at the feeling. He stopped his movements and looked at her to silently ask for her permission, and she nodded. He didn’t wait any longer to undo her bra. It fell on the floor almost reverentially, and Rafael’s breath caught in his throat.

He actually growled when he saw her perfect erect nipples, and he bent to take them in his mouth.

He began with the left one, sucking, licking, even biting a little, while his thumb and index played with the other. Lou couldn’t help but moan at his attention on her already much too sensitive nipples. She grabbed his hair to try not to lose her mind so quickly, and she pulled on it a little, making him groan while he still had her tit in his mouth, vibration going all over her body.

Maybe he would have liked to spend a bit more time on her breasts, but she already was a shaking mess and she pulled on his hair again to kiss him again.

While their tongues did a dirty dance, his hands fell again at her waist and he unzipped her jeans. She got down off the counter, and helped him to get rid off her pants. They also flew somewhere in the kitchen.

His hands immediately went to the back of her thighs, she gasped and slightly bit his neck. He groaned, grabbed her and lifted her off the floor as she crossed her legs at the small of his back.

In this position, her center was against his erection, and she grinded against him. He threw his head back at the sudden feeling, his hands were holding her so strongly she was sure she was going to have some bruises on her thighs but she didn’t care. Enjoying the feeling, she moved again.

“Fuck!” Rafael said with a very deep and aroused voice.

She was driving him crazy, and if they kept going like that, he’d come in his pants like a teenager who had no control. So he carried her through his flat, leaving his opened kitchen to head to his bedroom.

The way to his bedroom seemed to last forever as they kept kissing, incapable of not touching. But as he thought they were going to make it, he didn’t notice Lou’s hand sneaking into his pants and took him in her hand.

He suddenly broke the kiss, groaned loudly and dropped his head on her shoulder.

“That’s how you want to play.” he managed to say between pants as she began to slowly stroke him.

He pinned her against a wall and bucked his hips forward into her hand. She moaned into his mouth when her back hit the wall. He let her stand on the floor again, and dropped to his knees.

She couldn’t breath anymore when she realized what was about to happen. He went on the floor so quickly she didn’t have time to react. But now he was in the position he wanted, he took his time and looked up at her with dark aroused eyes and a dangerous smirk on his flushed face, noticing some bruises which he didn’t give her.

She couldn’t tear her gaze away from him. She didn’t even dare to blink. And his smirk only grew wider at her reaction.

Nonetheless, Rafael was the one who broke eye contact, as he closed his eyes when he licked her through her panties, tongue flat on her and his saliva soaking the cloth already insanely wet.

He barely started that she was already shaking, one hand on his shoulder and one hand in his hair, more to hold on to something than to push him to do what she wanted. Actually she was already so far gone that he could really do anything he wanted with her.

His nostrils were invaded by her aroused smell, and teasing her through her last piece of clothes wasn’t enough anymore.

His big hands moved up her legs, caressing every inch of skin from her ankles to her waist. He finally grabbed the band of her panties, and he looked up to silently ask her permission. Unable to voice her desire, she eagerly nodded.

He finished undressing her very slowly, and he made a sound almost animalistic when he saw how wet she was.

His first plan had been to tease her a little bit more, but when he raised his hand and touched her with two fingers, glistening from her wetness, it was more than enough to break his resolution.

He licked his lips and bent a little, his hot breath on her cunt, making her shiver in anticipation. He grabbed one of her calves and put it behind his head. Back still against the wall, she had to hold on the piece of furniture beside her to keep standing, and he supported her by grabbing her ass with one of his hands.

He experimentally darted his tongue out and briefly licked at her clit. It was a very brief sensation, but she immediately moaned and threw her head back, hitting the wall.

Realizing how much she was ready for him, he actually growled and put his mouth on her.

He wasted no time and immediately sucked her clit between his teeth, soothing the sweet aggressive sensation with some laps of his tongue. The contact was almost brutal, and her whole body started to shake. He had to grip her more firmly to stop her from falling.

Her other leg also came behind his head, and she crossed them at the ankles. He was supporting her whole weight on his shoulders and with his hands which were at her waist. It was going to leave some bruises with the shape of his fingers, but they didn’t care. If they had to be honest, they even liked it, as if it was a possessive mark.

As he was kneeling on the floor, his own body was in pain. His erection was throbbing in his pants, begging to be touched and to feel any kind of relieve. But everything was worth it.

Her smell, her taste, her heat, the sounds she was making and the sensation of her body against his. He wanted to drown in all of these, because he didn’t know if he would be lucky enough to have her again. He could seriously die like that and he would be happy.

He could feel her whole body shaking on his shoulders, and she started to squirm as he continued his assault on her clit. He stopped to breathe and looked up at her.

She looked back. He could tell she was already too sensitive and she was about to climax, but something was blocking her.

“Let go. I’ve got you.” he sweetly told her, caressing the back of her thighs in a comforting way.

Her breath was heavy, her chest rising quickly and he took a little time to look at her breasts before going down on her again.

But this time he didn’t aim for her clit, but for her entrance. She was dripping, wetter than before, and it was at this moment he realized he had her juice all over him. His mouth was soaked, but her wetness flowed on his chin, up to his neck and a bit of his top chest hair. She wasn’t the only one who was a mess.

He plunged his tongue in her, and apparently his words had a good effect on her as he barely had time to fuck her for a few seconds when he felt her walls spasming on his tongue.

One of her hands reached his hair, as the other one was still desperately holding the furniture, and she pulled hard on it, as she came and wailed loudly.

Rafael helped her get down on the floor with him, and he watched her blissful face as she was trying to get down from her intense high. He couldn’t help but smile, as he thought she was even more beautiful in that state and as he was proud to be the one to make her feel that way.

He reached out to touch her face with his hand and tenderly caressed her cheek. At the touch, she immediately opened her eyes and smiled back at him. He felt a warm wave invading his heart and he kissed her.

The kiss was slower as she still was in her post-orgasm state, and she moaned at her taste on his mouth and tongue.

“No wonder why you’re such a good lawyer, you really know how to use your tongue.”

He chuckled and dropped a kiss on her shoulder.

“Your argument is absurd, but as it’s a compliment I’ll accept it.”

Finally he stood up, making a face when he heard his knees crack a little, and she grabbed his hand to follow him in his bedroom.

The room was almost completely dark, except for the moonlight and the light coming from the living room. Anyway she didn’t have time to look around her as Rafael immediately grabbed her and pressed her against him.

It had been years since he had been aroused like that, and she could feel it with the obvious bulge in his pants, which had grown even bigger.

She took his pajamas off him, clothes now discarded everywhere in his apartment, but when she was about to go on her knees to taste him too, he stopped her and shook his head.

“I don’t know if I can hold back, and I really want to be inside you.”

She smiled at him and nodded, understanding perfectly, before kissing his wrist, where her name was in a weirdly intimate gesture.

Lou climbed on top of the sheets still undone as Rafael didn’t take the time to do his bed in the middle of the night, and he quickly followed her, positioning himself between her parted legs.

He kissed her while he stretched his arm and opened the drawer of his nightstand to take out a condom. She helped him put it on him, and he shivered when she couldn’t help but give him a few strokes before placing him at her entrance.

As much as he desperately wanted to fuck her, despite himself his attention went to the white bandage on her ribs. Obviously he was extremely tempted to rip it off and find out the truth. But he also respected her decision, and for whatever reason he couldn’t think that her intentions were bad. Even if some things were wrong between them, he was convinced that in a way she struggled to try to protect him.

“Hey, where did you go?” she asked him and her voice suddenly brought him back in the moment.

He shook his head to chase his thoughts and smiled in apology. “Nowhere, I’m right here.”

“Then fuck me already.”

There was no bitterness in her voice, she only teased to encourage him. And he was more than happy to give her what she wanted, what they both wanted.

“Ask nicely.” he replied with a smirk.

She opened her mouth to answer something because she liked having the last word in their games, but any word died on her tongue and she let out a long moan instead when he entered her in one deep move.

She felt so full, in the best kind of way.

She was so wet and warm, even with the condom on he could feel every part of her. Rafael melted at the overwhelming sensation. He kissed her hard, tongues fighting in each other’s mouth as he began to pound into her.

He immediately fucked her hard. He wasn’t moving excessively fast, however he fucked her deep on purpose. He didn’t know what would happen the next day, but he was sure of one thing: he wanted her to feel him for days. He wanted her to remember what they did every time she’d walk, like if he were still in her.

And Lou really enjoyed the bossy way he was fucking her. She had to break the kiss to breathe, her unashamed moans were a sweet melody in his ears.

She scratched his back as she tried to hold on him, and he groaned at the sensation.

He rose himself up to stand on his knees, and grabbed her calves to force her to follow him, her legs now crossing around his waist and the lower part of her body not touching the mattress anymore.

In this position he could go even deeper, the sound of smashing skins almost as obscene as their moans echoing in the bedroom.

She closed her eyes but Rafael wasn’t having any of it.

“Look at me.” he ordered, sweetly though firmly.

She instantly obeyed, but while they stared at each other she took this opportunity to grab his arm and use it as a leverage to roll them over, now on his back.

She moved on top of him, and he gasped at the new angle, mouth open as he watched her having so much pleasure she bit her bottom lip until it broke and he could see a drop of blood shining.

He pushed himself up on his elbow and licked the tear of blood, tasting the salty red liquid on his tongue. She cupped his face to kiss him, but he stopped her by catching her wrists and putting them behind her back with one hand.

She couldn’t use her arms as leverage now, and he helped her by snatching his hips forward.

He bent over and licked at her nipples. As her body was against his, his pelvis directly stimulated her clit and she could feel another orgasm building in her belly. Apparently it was also the case for Rafael as his movements became erratic.

“Come with me, let’s come together.” he never stopped repeating, closing his eyes, as if it was a spell.

To help her come, he let go of her arms and used two fingers to flip her clit. One second after, she came hard, biting his shoulder and violently contracting around him. He didn’t need more to come with her, groaning her name while he emptied himself into the condom.

They fell back on the bed, Rafael on his back and Lou on top of her, trying to catch their breaths. Their hearts needed a few long minutes to stop hammering in their chest.

Rafael started to soften inside her, and he slipped out of her. They both groaned at the lack of heat.

She rolled off top of him and stared at the ceiling, her hair sweaty on her forehead, while he went to throw the condom in the trash can in the bathroom. He quickly came back into bed, turning on his side to watch Lou, hundreds of thoughts colliding in his mind.

Sensing his gaze on her, she turned too and stared back at him.

“Hey.” she said almost awkwardly.

He slowly smiled before answering back. “Hey.” He cleared his throat while he reached out her naked body to caress the hot skin. “This was… amazing.” And intense.

She nodded. “Yes, it really was.”

She seemed to intensively think for a few seconds, before getting closer to Rafael and putting her head on his chest. They instantaneously relaxed.

“I know you want to keep your privacy, though I have one question.” he said, never really hesitating before speaking his mind.

She immediately turned her head to look up at him. “I guess it’s pretty fair, since I showed up at your door in the middle of the night.”

“How did you get the bruises?” And to underline his point he softly caressed the blue marks on her skin with his thumbs.

“Do you mean the ones you didn’t give me?” she tried to make a bad joke and tease him a little.

“Hmm.” he simply answered, making her understand he wasn’t taking her shit this time.

She sighed in acceptance. She knew her bruises would raise some questions, and with his job it wasn’t a surprise that his mind went to dark places.

“It’s nothing really. I got in a bar fight.” she shrugged, trying to seem casual.

He frowned, sincerely surprised by her answer but relieved in way. “Really?”

She shrugged one more time, not daring to directly look at him now and preferring to play with his chest hair, and he laughed. It was really unexpected.

They started to fall asleep when he felt her move, wanting to get out of bed. His heart suddenly racing, even if his eyes were heavy he managed to strongly catch her wrist.

“Stay the night, please.”

He knew tomorrow was going to be complicated, they would have to deal with the change of their relationship and reality. But for now, he wanted to stay in his illusion.

She said nothing, but her body softened and she climbed under the blanket, coming into his arms. He hugged her from behind and they fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've eventually won against my laziness and posted this story. I'm working on the next chapter, I don't know how much time it'll take me though - never ask a writer. In the meantime, don't hesitate to leave comments on ao3 or even on tumblr. A writer loves and needs the approval of others !


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